Mary Sue's Finest Hour
by Kaia Sylvan
Summary: Sick to tears of typical fanfiction? Of MarySue and her pukeworthy perfection? Tempted to drown her in a pool of overused adjectives describing her hair? Look no further.
1. Braving the Intro

*** Update * May, 2010: **Well... I'm still alive. It's been a long time... I shudder to think of how long since I started writing the train-wreck that is my parody… but I notice that readers are still popping in, along with the occasional review.

So, I tentatively endeavor to continue – and one day finish – my one and only contribution to this site.

Now going by my track record, this is nothing to hold your breath over...*snicker*. But the intention is there, and if you bear with me, you'll have more new chapters to laugh yourselves into a coma over.

Thanks so much for all the support :) Keep those reviews coming! They are what inspire me to drop in, again and again.

_Let the idiocy continue..._

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***Author's Note*** You all know them - the fan fictions that start nowhere, go full circle, and dwindle off into a pile of pointlessness. You all know _her_...the most overused character in the world of fan-fic; she's beautiful, she's mysterious… she's everything you've always wanted to torture unmercifully and more. I wrote this one night way back in the early 2000's, after reading one too many typical Legolas romances, and this was the result of my long pent-up negativity towards Mary- Sue. However, I should preface by saying I mean no disrespect to the authors of Mary-Sue fics, as I begrudgingly admit, some have actually been extremely well written. And no discourtesy to the characters/actors depicted within! It's all for a laugh, and nothing more. So let's get to it… welcome, dear readers, to an adventure you won't soon forget…

- Emma -

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"**Mary-Sue's Finest Hour"**

**Braving the Intro**

She awoke not knowing where she was. Lost, alone and completely vulnerable, she could have made a pleasant meal for a hungry orc - or sustenance for a horny ranger at that - but alas, at this early stage of our epic Mary-Sue, it is customary to talk about HER, her and only her, and we dare not address such issues as rape or pedophilia as this may dangerously disarray her hair.

She stands up, looks about her at the unfamiliar territory (which is approximately 856,374 shades of green and conveniently void of all things ugly and sinister) and seems completely unaware of the fact that her sudden "mysterious" presence in Mirkwood is about as original as eggs on toast. But this, dear readers, does not matter; because…*drum roll*...she is BEAUTIFUL.

Now, at this juncture, let us launch into a completely irrelevant paragraph to describe the extent of her astounding beauty, as our lovely protagonist scratches her lovely white ass and waits for us to return to the PLOTLINE.

Her hair is long and silky and smooth, and is a beautifully unique shade of brownish-blondish-blackish-red, with a tint of auburn. But not only that - for it has also been mysteriously kissed by the sun with streaks of bronzish-silverish-gold. Never mind that this combination of shades would make for a hair color similar to that of a vomit-covered pile of yak-shit, for this is conveniently overlooked in the same manner as the fact that she probably smells like cat piss.

Her eyes are also exceedingly unique, as they are turquoise-violet-azure, and have the mysterious ability to alternately flip through all the colors of the rainbow without appearing as if she is doped up on more pot than a Jamaican hobbit at an Eminem concert. Not only that, but it if you gaze directly into their depths, you will either fall in love, be permanently paralyzed, become a gibbering idiot under her every verbal command, wet your pants, or see the entire world's history play at lightning speed in Dolby Digital VHS 360-surround sound with Shrilankan subtitles.

Unsurprisingly, she is able to control this effect. Wouldn't want a bladdery Legolas and a smitten Saruman now would we?

In addition to all this, we avoid any alarming words such as FAT, PIMPLY and PRE-PUBESCENT for their much preferred counterparts - SLIM, SLENDER and FAIR-SKINNED.

At this point we must acknowledge her noble stead, who is of course a STALLION, although he does not engage in the most common stallion temperaments of aggression, pig-headedness and the tendency to root all surrounding mares. Instead, he acts like a 'pacified kitten', with bursts of 'fierce mountain lion' and 'magnificent powerful dragon' right on cue at everyone's convenience. He also happens to share the same vomit-covered yak- shit mane and drug-induced Jamaican hobbit eyes that are more likely to be described using nineteen running adjectives taken from the Thesaurus section of 'BEAUTIFUL'. Everyone loves some good [Shift-F7] action.

Thus, the audience is wowed by the attractive lovely gorgeous pretty ravishing exquisite splendid radiant dazzling brilliant resplendent awe-inspiring angelic striking charming picturesque heavenly elegant divine girl… whose name is finally revealed as Lyllaquillithiliana-Lyralista-Lollilathalalabombom. She has no surname because, obviously, her parents are dead. Alternatively, they may be almost dead. In some cases they may be dying.

But we don't give a rats ass about time-wasting concepts such as CHARACTER DEVELOPMENT, so we return to Lyllaquillithiliana-Lyralista-Lollilathalalabombom, who will promptly be assigned a random collection of cliché syllables referred to as her 'nickname'. We are tempted by 'Corinth', 'Aaliyah' and 'Shaya', but we shall call her Sky, because it's about as original as eggs on toast.

Sky is ready. She has a delectable appearance, a big-balled horse and a name that nobody can pronounce, which is all that is needed to combat the forces of darkness, stand in the face of all evil, resurrect the righteous, and cook a mean spinach pie. However, we have secretly hidden many of her 'magical powers', which we will reveal when she runs into trouble and needs an easy escape. We will pass this off as PLOT DEVELOPMENT when in reality, we have no idea where this pointless piece of drivel is going.

This technique, as you may have guessed, is about as original as eggs on toast.

Overlooking the fact that she has 'warped' in from New York or another such well-known, cliché, gutter-trash city, Sky whistles her magical whistle to summon her horse, Fadowshax. He appears in 0.053 seconds flat ('pacified kitten' mode). After numerous referrals to the current color of her eyes and hair as she mounts him, she is off, lapping the forest twice within the space of one sentence, and lo and behold, predictably stumbling across a group of wondering travelers…

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**Where to next? What will await our nineteen-adjective beauty in the depths of Mirkwood? And who is the group she has stumbled across in her eagerness to get to nowhere? Carry on, dear readers…**


	2. An Unsurprising Meeting

Thanks for the reviews!

**And so…** we continue on our literary journey with everyone's favourite modern-day gal, Sky, tossed into the realm of the unknown without food, water, or a ceramic hair straightener. Joy.

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**- An Unsurprising Meeting -**

She is slightly breathless after lapping Mirkwood twice on her journey back to where she started from, but this allows for a few more adjective-spewing sentences defining the way the light is now reflecting off her hair and the manner in which Fadowshax is moving his body in order to gallop. Fascinating insight into the story, as always.

She peers through the trees tentatively, ensuring that her hair falls about her face in a seductive manner and her eyes do a top-and-tail oftheir rainbow repertoire and mirror some of the suns rays to various points around the planet -all for the sake of her safety, of course.

And there she spies….drumroll….THE FELLOWSHIP.

It does not concern us that they never passed through Mirkwood on their journey to Mount Doom, nor does it worry us that a group comprising of a skilled ranger, a wise wizard of the Istari, and a woodland elf of the region did not notice the breakneck laps of pointlessness that Sky had achieved just a paragraph ago. Let us all stop and remember that she is BEAUTIFUL, and therefore must be stealthy and silent too. And Fadowshax can obviously move like a cat (what with his 'pacified kitten' act and all) regardless of the fact that he is the size of an iron-pumping RHINO.

It does not take long for our wonder-gal to break a twig. Alternatively, she may rustle the leaves of the bush she is hiding in, or we can always throw the blame at Fadowshax and make him do something as rebellious as exhaling loudly.

This, of course, is entirely ignored by the skilled ranger and wise wizard of the Istari who are too busy acting FORGOTTEN, as it is clearly Legolas's cue to show just how 'keen' his elvish senses are by discovering Sky. This is all because Legolas is an elf, mind you, and nothing to do with the fact that he is a tall, sexy blonde with a nice tight butt and rock-hard abs to match. And besides, he has to be the first to see her, because that PLOT DEVELOPMENT is so excruciatingly unoriginal that readers will want to stick pins in their eyeballs.

Fadowshax is not impressed. He suddenly breaks into 'fierce mountain lion' and proceeds to slam his hooves about the place. But Sky simply makes a dyslexic moaning gurgle affectionately referred to as a 'QUIET MURMER IN THE ELVISH TONGUE' and he conveniently puts a cork in it.

Did we mention she's half-elven? Yes. Elves DO live in New York. Her elven speech allows the exciting use of ITALICS, and prompts many nonsense syllables containing 'ith' and 'wyn' and a ridiculous amount of L's.

Legolas, of course, is enthralled by this. He is spellbound-entranced- fascinated-enraptured and many other Thesaurus words not worth clogging the page with. The rest of the Fellowship concern themselves with being blatantly IGNORED. Legolas promptly goes through every emotion known to man and then proceeds to goggle at her face, hair, mouth, lips, body, height, clothes, feet, toes, earlobes and underarm-hair before marvelling over her personality which he has not yet seen and gasping at the honesty and righteousness she has not yet shown. As you can imagine, this opens a whole new spectrum of OVERUSED ADJECTIVES for us to work through.

Next, it's high time for the rest of the Fellowship to be LOOKED AT. They crash into view in front of Sky, brandishing their weapons and then dropping them at her astonishing beauty. This is enough PLOT DEVELOPMENT for now. Instead, the Fellowship stand around like retarded lumps of clay as Sky proceeds to LOOK AT THEM.

Legolas gets first overview. He is tall, blonde and handsome, and it is very important to note that first, for this must mean he is an excellent fighter and the most important member of the Fellowship. He is an elf, which means he knows everything, but that is mostly irrelevant because Sky knows more. Because elven age is too confusing as it includes numbers with more than 2 digits, we alert everyone to the fact that he LOOKS 24. This is because, obviously, that is Orlando Bloom's age, and he is all we have based the character on, as we have no time for pointless things such as CHARACTER DEVELOPMENT.

Frodo has BLUE EYES. This is undoubtedly the most important aspect of his character. We overabuse the description by naming all the possible types of blue there are, and claiming that his eyes possess ALL of them. He is a good-looking hobbit, therefore he is important to, not to mention he is Elijah Wood. The Thesaurus assists with nineteen synonyms for 'CUTE'. Oh and he has a ring.

Aragorn is next, because we have just used all the CUTE words up and therefore have none left for Merry and Pippin at this point in time. Many referrals to his inability to control his pubic hair, passed off as MANLY RUGEDNESS. His muscular body is muscular, and he is rather muscular with muscular muscles and a broad muscularness. Now we have confirmed that he's hot, and if anything goes wrong with Legolas he's the next man in line.

Merry and Pippin go together, because they are not individual characters. Rather, they are happy and cheerful even when being deep-fried in a vat of camel spit. The adjectives for CUTE are taken from Frodo's description and rearranged a little to pass it off as ORIGINAL. Pippin is FUNNY and CLUMSY. He must immediately fall over for no reason at this point to accentuate this. Then we get a chance for the Fellowship to swoon over Sky's 'musical' laugh, which rivals Beethoven's 3rd Symphony in A-minor.

Boromir has a horn.

Gandalf is a wizard, and this is important because this means that whenever he can't do something, Sky will. And therefore she is better than a wizard. Therefore she is powerful. And that means she must be BEAUTIFUL. We have no other use for Gandalf because he is OLD, and we cannot concern ourselves with such things as AGE in a time and place where sexy people rule the earth with their talented eyelash-curling abilities.

Gimli is last. He gets one line of description if he's lucky. This may be for a number of reasons. It may be because he is short, or because he is plump, or because he is John-Rhys Davies or because he has more facial hair than Chewbuka from StarWars. It all basically amounts to the fact that he is UGLY. This means he can't be very important and is often grumpy and maybe he should be kicked in the head just for show. This will be saved for later, however, when it is time for Sky to display her unmatched Martial Arts abilities, as this character development is about as original as...yeah you know.

THUS...we have established the characters in the only way us Mary-Sue'ers know how, and with an update on the tint of Sky's hair-color and the muscle groups in her legs as she walks, it is time to move on into the great unknown…..

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	3. On the Road to Pointless Central

The literary disaster continues… (more promised, as soon as I get round to it. I'm a review-slut, yes I admit it). Yeah, you know you are too, so don't give me that look.

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- On the Road to Pointless Central -

The day proves to be sunny for approximately 72 hours running, as this is the most effective way for the sunlight to reflect off Sky's many-coloured features for a rundown of the Thesaurus synonyms for a new word we have discovered; MAGICAL. This allows for an enchanting-mystical-ethereal- mysterious-encapsulating appraisal of everything we have already mentioned.

In addition, it is just as pointless to cross-examine the bone-structure of each ATTRACTIVE or CUTE character as they walk, so of course we add this in. The words 'muscular' and 'tanned' are abused violently.

Meanwhile, Gandalf, Boromir and Gimli are mastering the art of piss- farting around, as they strive to remain IGNORED.

Once more attempting CHARACTER DEVELOPMENT, Legolas shoots a random arrow at nothing and hits it, Aragorn acts darkly mysterious, Pippin falls over and Frodo still has blue eyes. Oh and he has a ring.

It now becomes apparent that Sam has been completely and utterly forgotten throughout this entire bunch of bullshit. This is most likely because we have no time for such a thing as PROOF READING, and besides, this gives us another chance to discuss someone's reaction to Sky's appearance. Or perhaps its because he is FAT. Not to be deterred, we simply have him appear out of nowhere, delivering a mind-blowingly astounding, extraordinarily witty, humorously analytical and somewhat gravely penetrating line.

"Hi, I'm Sam."

Fadowshax is disturbed and reverts to 'magnificent powerful dragon' right on cue. Sky spouts off some random ITALICS. Alternatively, she does a spinning back kick and manages to bake a zucchini slice in mid air. Either way, Fadowshax puts a cork in it. Back to 'pacified kitten'.

"Illith ano mama golililililiolimin hubba hubba boom boom" says Legolas solemnly, which means shit-all, obviously, but is meant for the soul purpose of "Where the fuck have you been."

"Over there" he says, which answers everything. He is busy marvelling at Sky's underarm hair, and other such things. So is the rest of the Fellowship, who have dropped their weapons once again in astonishment of her beauty. It's going to be a long journey.

The realisation dawns that we are essentially heading nowhere, as we have been all along. No matter, we simply announce at this point that we have been heading to RIVENDELL, for it is important for wise, old elves to goggle at Sky in all her puke-inducing glory. It is equally important for them to look like menopausal gorillas in contrast to her beauty.

For this purpose, we unceremoniously plonk both Glorfindel and Galadriel into Rivendell to avoid the extra trip to Lothlorien, which may dangerously boarder on PLOT ENHANCEMENT. Instead they are in Rivendell because there is a big BANQUET. This may change to a MIDDLE-EARTH DANCE or a pre-teen, non-alcoholic social event booming S Club 7, but for now we will stick with 'banquet' and screw unnecessarily with the plotline later.

It is unclear why the Fellowship is heading to Rivendell, but it must be important because it is Sky's idea. Meanwhile, the leader of the party, Gandalf, allows Sky to lead, as he is too busy engaging in various acts of nothingness. Gimli and Boromir play a complex game of 'Ignore me, I'm old'.

"Friends" says Sky, because she has known them oh-so-long, "we must goeth toeth Rivendelleth, because there's a party. Oh and Elrond's my Dad."

Yes, dear readers, it seems that Elrond once lived in New York. The Fellowship all gasp, but Sky merely laughs at this completely unfunny situation. Cue Beethoven's 5th symphony in G-minor.

In other news, Pippin makes the mistake of looking into Sky's eyes and wets his pants. Let us all stop and remember that he is FUNNY. He then falls over. Isn't he FUNNY.

It is suddenly night time, allowing for the moonlight to reflect in Sky's drug-induced, Jamaican hobbit eyes in the most seductive manner.

To help the Fellowship with their journey to Rivendell, she removes most of her clothing, allows her hair to fall strategically around her body, and does multiple pointless laps to display her 'warrior-princess' look. Fadowshax powers through all three of his schizophrenic personalities, stopping once more conveniently on 'pacified kitten'.

Sentences later, everyone is ready to stop and make camp so that Sky might have a highly personal and alarmingly IRRELEVANT conversation with each member in turn.

Why, you may ask? That is for you to know and us to screw up.

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	4. Abusing Tolkien Further

Well, the answer's **yes.** The much-requested **NC-17 chapter** WILL be published, so there'll be plenty of bimbo sex to laugh ourselvesinto a coma over. A fanfic just isn't a fanfic without some horizontal lovin' of the unco nature : P Gotta force ourselves through a 'battle scene' and Elrond's piss-up first though, so buckle your seatbelt, keep your hands and feet inside the stratosphere and hold on for dear life…

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**- Abusing Tolkien Further -**

Our little friends have stopped to make camp, acting SEXY, CUTE or IGNORED depending on their measurements, and conveniently ignoring the far off sound of Tolkien turning over in his grave. Finally exhausted from assaulting the Thesaurus for the past 3 chapters, we turn to a new exciting medium that has just come to our attention…TALKING TO EACHOTHER. This is not known as DIALOGUE, because that would severely discredit our attempt at fucking up an already suicidal plotline.

We are tempted by ITALICS, and even more so by BOLD (an exciting new prospect!) but we dismiss this, as thectrl button is annoyingly placed in an awkward position for 'index-finger typing' purposes.

We now choose to acknowledge Bill, who is decidedly CUTE in a HORSEY manner, and therefore deserves to suddenly be remembered for no apparent reason. To give him some relevance amongst all this incomprehensible babble, we have him fall in love with Fadowshax.

Fadowshax, obviously, is now a girl. Yes, his big-balled manliness has been chop-sui'ed by the sword of SPONTANEOUS PLOTSCREWING and his testosterone levels have been shot. This must be, you see, because such things as HOMOSEXUALITY are almost as disturbing as the word SPELLCHECK. It even borders on the realm of FAT and HAIRY. Gimli winces, and rows himself up "don't mind me" creek.

To ensure theirsafety in the dark woods, Sky seats herself on her portable queen-sized bed, changes into her silk pyjamas, saves a third world country and trails her finger seductively from her tongue to her navel. Now they will all be safe.

And with a final giggle of 'The Nutcracker Suite' in harmony with 'Mozart's 5th', she is ready.

FRODO approaches her first, wading through 25 different shades of blue that all claim to be his eye-color. We conveniently ignore his hairy feet, his 3" stature and the fact that he starred in 'Flipper', because this lowers him on the attractiveness scale. Instead, we comment on his eyes. Eggs on toast moment.

"You are beautiful, sexy, hot, talented, intelligent, magical and mysterious, and I'd like tostuff you like a Thanksgiving turkey"

…. he will say, although this may take 3 paragraphs and not be put so bluntly. This is the underlying meaning that we are trying to get across, however. Whatever the manner of his speech, he ends up CRYING, because this allows for the important event of a hobbit-grope as she COMFORTS him by placing his face between her 36D BOOBS.

"We must go fortheth toeth Rivendelleth tomorrow, because I have said this twice now and that makes it an even better idea."

"You are so clever."

"I can see in your eyes that you hide a terrible secret and I know of the ring you possess. I've also watched FOTR 5 times and just stole Galadriel's line."

"You are mysterious. You can have the ring."

"I don't want it for I can resist its power. Similarly, I can defeat Sauron with a blackhead remover."

"You are so powerful."

"Go, my friend, and drink 6-8 glasses of water a day so that you may flush the toxins from your body, and eat only steamed vegetables as fried food my threaten acne upon you."

"Thank you, my queen."

"Never go to bed with wet hair."

And it is done. She has conveniently established a RELATIONSHIP with Frodo. What exactly that relationship is, is about as important as having a STORYLINE. So we ignore it and move on.

Predictably leaving Legolas till last, Merry and Pippin approach. To save time so that we can get to the sex-scene faster, Sam comes with them too. A series of essential POINTLESSNESS follows. Pippin falls over. However, he has now acclaimed two more stupid actions to show his FUNNINESS; cooking bacon and knocking carcasses down walls. This is extremely original. Eggs.Toast.

We are now aware that Merry does not have apersonality at this point, so we assign him one that does about as much credit to him as a paraplegic with a foot-spa.

We must suddenly comment that all this time, Legolas has beenstaring at Sky with the intensity of a homicidal speed junky. For all her INTELLIGENCE, she must naively believe this is because he HATES her, and not because he feels a stirring in his loins, or because she has a spinach-and-ricotta puff stuck between her front teeth.

Eager to comment on the state of Legolas's biceps and the size of his sweat glands, we hurry through the rest of the RELATIONSHIP ESTABLISHMENTS.

ARAGORN throws caution to the wind, and admits that he is soon to be King. Sky obviously knew this already, and Aragorn feels it is his duty to stroke her inner thigh. He is joined by GANDALF, who throws caution to the wind and admits that he is her Grandpa. This makes about as much sense as a sexual affair with a CHEESEGRATER. Following is Gimli, who throws caution to the wind and admits that he is too UGLY to be of importance. We do not comment.

It becomes apparent that Boromir has a HORN.

Thus, we have effectively established shit-all, and are ready to accept Legolas with open legs…ahem…. arms. With a series of remarks on the current state of Sky's circulatory system and the like, Legolas approaches.

"Hello."

Alternatively, he might say "HEL-lo" or "he-LLO", however the meaning is the same; "We're gonna fuck in 3 chapters time."

Readying the 'L' button on the keyboard, she replies with a simple greeting of the same nature in the ELVISH TONGUE.

"Illllimilliliolioln llasalililiolinifiril il lil lil lo nonlle grylllalislaylal alililith grylil nol linnali galwynli lo lalalid grirliillin liboliliswlinli lllllalinli lolaalin rinlililin lolagwynlalda lilalol illlimathilanola lill nadalilaboba lillabalablal nollllolathalath lithli lonlililala locindellla lllilanthilllislii lllaillilin llillalllallilnlllillin lala nan lile lithl linta la lilide lllllalinli lolaalin rinlililin lolagwynlalda lilalol illlimathilanola lill nadalilaboba lillabalablal nollllolathalath lithli lonlililala lallala la la la boom boom." Translation: "Hi".

This suitably impresses Legolas, and sends all epileptic readers into an involuntary spastic fit. Dyslexics promptly lapse into a coma.

She continues with as muchflair as Robbie Williams at a Japanese tea ceremony. With the spasmodic urgency of a headless chicken she suddenly bursts into tears. These tears have the ability to well up in her eyes so that Legolas can see his ENTIRE LIFE tumble out of them. When Sky has finished blubbering out approximately 2 millenniums of elven sexual encounters, Legolas feels it is his duty to wipe them from her face with his hand. This is because he is CONCERNED for her, and not because he is FANTASISING BLATENTLY and will run off to engage in some PRIVATE ACTIVITIES minutes later.

The outcome of all this is that Sky has managed to POUR HER HEART OUT to a beautiful, wise, majestic, young woodland elf whom she now trusts and cares for deeply, who she'd do anything for and is willing to risk her life to save, who she honors and respects unquestionably; and Legolas is HORNY.

We are ready to move on, so the daydawns in half a sentence flat, and Pippin promptly knocks a randomcarcass down a wall. So Sky, Legolas, Blue- eyes, Muscular, Funny, Random-hobbits, Old, Fat and Horn all proceed on their journey with all the nail-biting, heart-gripping enthusiasm of a constipated tortoise.

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	5. Combatish Scabbarding!

Thought for the day... "Never argue with an idiot. They drag you down to their level and then beat you with experience".

And...on with the nonsense! Reviews are great, keep em' coming.

- Emma -

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**- "Combatish Scabbarding" -**

The day proves to be sunny. This is obviously because everyone is HAPPY - a useful proverb for 'staringrapturously at Sky's perky butt and equally enticing breasts.'

But do not fear, dear readers, for the second we launch into something more sinister, a BATTLE for example, you can be assured that there will be a hailstorm of drastic proportions, a strategically timed tornado, a random earthquake and an electrical storm that would put Captain Planet to shame. All for the sake of PLOT ENHANCEMENT of course, and nothing to do with the fact that we're prepubescent 14 year olds who know as much about writing as we do about the current stock market.

Fadowshaxhas gone to the liberty of developing another personality. However, the company show their distaste for 'rearing storm giant', giving it an average rating of 2.4 with special considerations for PHYSICAL ENHANCEMENT and SNOT PROJECTION, placing it an astounding 3.7 points lower than 'magnificant, powerful dragon.' 264 L's and a zucchini-slice later, Sky has restored him to everyone's favourite pacified kitten.

We meet Bom Tombadil. He has huge yellow gumboots. Beyond this, nothing is known, so we refer to Aragorn's left arse-cheek in an attempt to sway the audiences' attention to irrelevant aspects such as DETAIL.

Having made a pathetic pass at Tolkien-esque scene-setting, we castrate Bom Tombadil and suspend his balls from a tree. Enough of him, for it is now necessary to plunge headlong into a FIGHT. This is exciting, readers, for we will now be able to use the word SCABBARD as if we are actuallyaware that it is not a sexually transmitted viral infection of the genitals. There are also promises of the word COMBAT, which is randomly placed into our text with about as much subtlety of a pile of cow-shit in a sandwhich.

Sky, Legolas, Frodo and Aragorn must prepare themselves for the onslaught that they have conveniently detected approaching from 2 LIGHTYEARS away. While in usual circumstances, this would involve the brandishing of weaponry, our heroes need only aceramic hair-straightenerand a tight-fitting singlet by Christian Dior to prepare themselves. Let us all stop and marvel at the breathtaking array of pale skin, muscularness and blue eye-edness that presents itself.

In sentences to come, Aragorn whips out ADVIL (his trusty sword with the tendency to misspell its own name), Frodo produces STING from some concealed (and imaginative) part of his body, and Legolas covers himself in tanning oil. Finally Sky fishes through her breast pocket, throwing aside a dagger, a set of nail clippers, the keys to her Farrari, a Nokia 8250, a 98 fat free apricot slice, a random boy-band, a health-shake with no added sugar, and a unicorn, until she brandishes a 70ft MAGIC WAND. We try to overlook the fact that it's an oversized DILDO.

Merry and Pippin are allowed permission to at least be _aware_ of the danger at hand, as they win points for CUTENESS. Pippin falls over. Pippin walks into a tree. Pippin farts. Pippin gags on a penguin. He still seems to be FUNNY, so he gets a dagger.

Boromir brandishes his horn. He ignores the fact that a trombone would do more damage.

The remaining characters concern themselves with dragging their HAIRY NOSES, SMELLY BEERGUTS and SAGGY BUMCHEEKS around on the ground as they march aimlessly back and forth, completely unaware of anything, except perhaps that they are HIDEOUS.

**Note:**We are reminded that people with FACIAL HAIR exceeding shoulder- length are void of all 5 SENSES (more accurately, they possess the physical worth of a PUMPKIN). If they are also under 5"0 in stature, it is not required that we remember or spell their names correctly. Those that are distasteful enough to have a name starting with 'G' can be booted from the plotline for no apparent reason at ANY GIVEN TIME.

It is at this time that the company are finally assailed by the ENEMY. These come in many forms and can be known as Ork, Urik-hey, Goblens, Rock Trolls and any other misspelt abomination that would have the Ghost of Christmas Past shitting BRICKS for a week.

The Urik-hey are VISCIOUS and MENACING, described in a way that sounds as if we had actually expected them to offer us girl-scout cookies. They combat the fellowship's combat with combat that is a bit combated amongst the surrounding combats, so they scabbard their combats, so that they might not be combated by their scabbarding scabbards.

But they are **no match **for the power of the DILDO.

Sky stands, her hair piss green and her eyelashes braided to her kneecaps, surrounded by a glowing light that transcends the company with the DVD Special of Marry Poppins accompanied by Gandi's rendition of the Bible and a postscript of Sean Astin naked and covered in 40W motor oil. Sam lapses into a coma and nobody knows why.

"Lalago Lalaback Lalato Lalathe Laladarkness Lalafrom Lalawhence Lalayou Lalacame!"

There is a huge flash of light, wherein Sky morphs into 25 different species of mammal, is knighted by the queen, completes a 9th Dan kata from Shotokan Karate-do, resurrects JFK and fly-kicks Hitlar in the balls. Thus, she succeeds in blasting an entire nation-full of Urik-hey into half-way through next WEEK.

Although the rest of the Fellowship were about as useful as a fart in a windstorm, Legolas, Aragorn and Frodo have all somehow managed to get themselves TERMINALLY INJURED. They lie perfectly still, in a line, and completely topless as is only right of SIC's (nb: sexy injured characters). They whimper occasionally but still succeed in being either BUFF, RUGGED or ABNORMALLY SHORT.

ALAS! LO and BEHOLD! HEAVENS! THUS, THEE, THY and many other irrelevant phrases of old! Sky approaches, an epitome of light, a haven of beauty, a whore in a world of males! There are 3 upon the ground, in need of her aud, and ONE question runs rampantly through our heads.

_When will this moron shut up?_

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	6. BYO Barf Bag

**I'm back!** Well, its been years. Literally. But in the twisted sanctuary of my mind, Mary-Sue has lived on. She simply refused to let me put this one rest. So here she is, to torment us all a little more. Stay tuned for the big Rivendell party next chapter...

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**- BYO Barf-Bag - **

It is a tragic day, when one has to choose between the likes of Aragorn, Legolas and Frodo. But this is the monolithic decision that our heroine faces, on this terrible day of DEATH BY DILDO.

The enemies vanquished, Sky stands alone, gazing rabidly down at the three wounded souls on the ground. It is not apparent where Gandalf, Gimli, Boromir, or any other hideously proportioned characters have dragged their sorry asses off to, but we console ourselves by remembering that we DON'T GIVE A SHIT. More important things are alluded to, such as the satin-y perfection of Sky's skin, and how her eye-lashes extend from here to Mexico and provide cable for the whole of South-East Asia. Satisfied, we move on.

Pippin is cute, so he is spontaneously involved for no particular reason. He contributes by BAWLING. We are filled with COMPASSION and SYMPATHY. Boromir contributes by staring lustfully at Frodo. We assume that he wants 'the ring', and thus, we begin to treat him as though he is a peodophelic freak. We do not try to justify our reasons for treating him like crap, for let us not forget that Boromir has a HORN and therefore has no personality whatsoever. So we should have suspected he was a fully-fledged weirdo of drastic proportions from the beginning. Der.

Many factors play out in Sky's decision of who to save, and who to leave alone to decompose slowly painfully and in a puddle of their own filth. But this, of course, is too barbaric an eventuality to actually _happen_, so with some fascinating insight into the way the dawning light reflects of her azure/auburn/kahki/sapphire/piss-colored hair (it is dawn for approximately 22 hours of the typical Mary-Sue day) Sky faces the imperilous question that has plagued prostitutes since the beginning of time… WHO TO TEND TO FIRST.

Legolas and Frodo immediately take the lead. This is because, despite his muscular muscularity of muscularness, Aragorn is approximately 35 years old, which will in all probability be mistaken for anything between 40-80 – but this, by its own merits is entirely irrelevant, because anyone over 19 is as good as DEAD anyway.

Frodo wins brownie points for EYE COLOR, but this is not enough to contend with the vast array of acronyms for "SEXY MOTHER-FUCKER" that Legolas is slowly drowning in.

She approaches the incapacitated elf SLOWLY, and as she does so, the clouds part, the sun haloes her in gold, the trees sing, the world moves in slow-motion, she levitates off the ground, a shooting star streaks across the sky, and a whole flock of DOVES fly out of her asshole. In this manner, she is able to assess that Legolas is PARALYSED from the neck down, and if she hadn't been there to smear him in illegal substances, talk to random animals and expose herself unnecessarily, he would have DIED.

DIE, DEATH, FATALITY, BEREAVEMENT, DEMISE, DECEASE, PASS ON, PACK IT IN, KICK THE BUCKET. Poor Thesaurus.

Just in case the meaning wasn't quite clear enough, Legolas serves the greater good by actually CARKING IT right there and then. He does not froth at the mouth. He does not lapse into unsightly spasms. He does not even loose control of his bowels. This is something Gimli might do, perhaps because he is a dwarf, but mostly because he is UGLY. In fact, at this juncture, Gimli indulges in ALL OF THE ABOVE. Nobody notices. For all eyes are upon Legolas, who succeeds in looking ANGELIC, even in the throes of spontaneous death.

Pippin promptly bawls his eyes out. Sam promptly joins him. Everyone promptly blames it on BOROMIR. Reader's promptly Alt+F4 to avoid further nausea.

But SKY- the very epitome of charm, grace, and 14-year-old wet dreams – is not to be deterred. She whips out her trusty wand, along with enough herbs to land her a lifetime sentence in a Balinese prison, and a MANUAL handed down from the Sacred Line of her lineage ("Bringing-Sexy-Characters-Back-to-Life for Dummies" $29.95 RRP).

We do not yet reveal that Legolas's fatal state is only temporary, because, quite obviously, Legolas is VITAL to the nauseating train-wreck that we are passing off as a PLOT-LINE. But first and foremost, and infinitely more importantly, not even DEATH is going to stop Sky from getting a good old-fashioned SHAG. It does not occur to us that this plot-twist is as sickeningly obvious as Liz Hurley's breast implants -on a good day.

A few things must happen in order to 'reawaken' the dead elf. Such might include deducing WHAT IN HELL caused this sudden paralysis in the first place, and how such a state can be reversed. But we don't have time for that. The most important (and most elaborately chronicled) facts include Sky SUCKING LEGOLAS'S FACE and Legolas SUCKING HERS RIGHT BACK despite his state of...er...'deadness'. Of second-most importance, is the kaleidoscopic myriad of TEARS that fall from her alluring, multi-coloured, come-to-bed eyes, drip down her chin, slide over the perfect mounds of her double-D breasts, and onto the cheek/chest/groin-region of Orlan-…ahem…LEGOLAS. A large percentage of this seeping facial moisture is more than likely a mix of SNOT, SWEAT and the BOTOX she received earlier that day, but this is conveniently ignored.

So is the fact that Gimli just dragged himself through the scene, with nothing but a bloody stump where his leg used to be. IRRELEVANT. Back to Legolas.

The elf awakens.

Everyone is a bawling, snotty, diseased, and potentially suicidal mess of emotions, but Sky simply giggles, re-applies her eyeliner, and winks in a manner so provocative that half the Fellowship dislocate their jaws in irrepressible AWE.

After such an EXHAUSTING ritual that has drastically chipped Sky's nail-polish, it is left to GANDALF to resurrect Aragorn and Frodo. However, we don't have time to allow him, or his distastefully receding hair-line, any detailed accounts of this resurrection whatsoever - so for all we know, he could have taken a large dump on their faces instead, and played hockey with Gimli's severed leg.

Whatever the case, they are up and running, and sexy enough to eat, which is apparently all that matters.

And there stands Sky; their saviour, their light, their fry-cook, their walking/talking Playboy centrefold. All eyes are upon her, waiting for her to speak. And, as usual, the tinkling, melodic beauty of the words she speaks is so flawlessly befitting of the cataclysmic event that had just come to pass, that the company weep with joy.

"Elrond's having a piss-up. Last one there's a loser."

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**Read & Review guys! Party on!**


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